Full Forever
by Magical Me
Summary: Remus Lupin remembers what might have been the worst night of his life. It's a songfic!


My second songfic! A Remus thing, which is kind of new for me, so let's see how this turns out!  
  
Also, I pulled the song lyrics off a site, so if they're a little bit wrong, forgive me, but I didn't want to change them, because I figured I didn't know as much about these things as the official site people do! The song's called "Full Forever" by the Goo-Goo Dolls.  
  


Full Forever  
***  
  
And I've had to fight  


  
I remember that Halloween night vividly. Only a few years out of school, unemployed and living on the outskirts of civilization, I was home alone, staring blankly out the square window into the blackness of the night. The sky was cloudless, and the only rain was pouring within myself.  
  


Another Blurred affair tonight  


  
I accredited this state of depression I had fallen into to my loneliness. I hadn't seen Sirius, James, Lily, or Peter for months now. Prongs and his wife and small son, I knew, had gone into hiding from You-Know-Who, using the fidelius charm. That meant, of course, that Padfoot would be their secret keeper, and I subsequently wouldn't trust myself within a mile of my old friend. I wanted to be reunited with everyone too badly to let Sirius get away without blurting out his secret to me.  
  


Eyelids wrestle once again  
Never gonna see my friend  
Guided by the blinding white  


  
Subconsciously, I strained my ears for the sounds of young children trick-or-treating in the streets outside. But no gay laughter met my ears. No one wanted candy from me. I was the queer one in town. Muggles are smarter than most wizards give them credit for. They can sense things about a person. They sensed things about me. Bad things. And so I was left to my own poor company.  
  


Have you left home in spite  
Knowing I'm alone tonight  


  
But that night, I was sensing things too. Things that I'd much rather not have sensed. Something was terribly right-and something was terribly wrong. Not for the first time, I wished I'd chosen to be brave and live in a wizarding town no matter what the inhabitants thought of me. News travels so much more quickly that way. You don't have to wait for the owls flying across the country.  
  


Waiting for the Light of Day  
  


All of a sudden, something whizzed by, illuminating the street outside my window for a split second before all was blackness again. But then it happened once more. And after that. Soon, there were shooting stars by the dozen dropping out of the sky, shining over nearby Kent. Surely this was no natural phenomenon. This was undoubtedly the work of a wizard, and a rather foolish one at that. Besides, who could have cause to celebrate during such times as these?   
  
It was then that the terrifying-and yet amazingly wonderful-suspicion hit me. Could he possibly? But who? And how?   
  
I decided I had to know. I'd go see Sirius. If my hopes were fulfilled, then nothing about the Potters' whole sad business would matter anymore. I grabbed my broom and took off into the night, for once in my life not caring who noticed me.  
  


Doesn't matter anyway  
It's nothing that I need to say  


  
I knocked three times on Sirius' door. No sounds came from within, no calls, no footsteps-nothing. At first, this alarmed me. But then, I realized that this lack of response would be due to one of two reasons. Either Sirius had moved so none of his old friends would know where he lived while keeping the Potters' secret, or he had already learned what I had almost convinced himself was true, and had run off to celebrate. Either way, my best chance lay in paying a visit to Godric's Hollow.  
  
James and Lily had moved to Godric's Hollow directly after graduating from Hogwarts. It was a charming little place, with an amazing and very secretive history that I'm sure I don't know the half of. I never did come to be sure of it, but I thought the town had to do with the line of work that the two had gone into, making it imperative that they stay there. And, although I have nothing whatsoever to prove it, that You-Know-Who kill them before they got a good lead.  
  


And I've gone underground  


  
I was alarmed to find the part of the hollow I'd landed in just as quiet as the streets I'd just left. It was normally such a happy, vibrant place.  
  
Just then, I saw something large and undeniably feathery racing towards me. Closer and closer-I ducked as at least thirty owls swooped over my head, each one with a note attached to its leg. Something was going on at the other side of town. I dropped my broomstick and ran.  
  


I'm never hanging round  


  
I stopped, chest heaving, behind a large group of people. Wizards or Muggles--I didn't know, and I didn't care. Crowding around a house I knew so well, a house I'd spent many happy hours at before everything happened at once and all of our lives took a turn for the worst. Or at least, so I thought.  
  


Should have made it back again  
  


Two simple words, "excuse me", and the crowd parted, allowing me a view of what they all were goggling at.   
  
I tried to gasp, but my breath had somehow gotten caught in my throat. I tried to scream, but my voice had completely left me, speechless. I tried to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. The unbearable sadness that had invaded my very being so suddenly was too deep for tears.  
  


Why can't the moon stay full forever  
Wednesday's bad but Friday's ain't much better  
Why can't the moon stay full forever  
Right now she's got nothing on her mind  


  
The scene in front of me was one I knew I'd remember forever, no matter how hard I tried to block it out. Where once stood a pleasant, welcoming white house inhabited by three of the happiest, most decent people I'd ever met, was a mass of miscellaneous rubble and ruin. Broken table legs, torn blouses, cracked dishes, scratched plaster.   
  
And the nauseating realization that somewhere among these unimportant objects were three of the people who had meant most to me. It wasn't fair. They'd never done anything to deserve such an undeniably cruel fate! Harry, so young, with a long happy life ahead of him. Lily, so radiant, in love and with a child she adored. James, so alive, the best father, husband, and above all, friend.  
  


Will this neverland  
Free me from its clutching hand  


  
And then-I remembered. The full impact of what must have happened hit me right in the stomach, and I almost fell over from the shock. This was all because of Sirius. Sirius Black, who had been James' best friend, and mine too. The happy-go-lucky prankster who had been, or pretended to be, ever loyal. And my grief was even worse, because I didn't know whether to love or hate him after all that I've-we've been through. I decided I had to hate him.  
  
In that one, horrible night, I'd lost two of the three boys I'd shared my youth with. Some of the painfully few people who had ever accepted me for what I was, and embraced me and loved me for it. I'd thought we were forever. But Peter was all I had left now.  
  


It won't release me  


  
Oh, great Gryffindor, why couldn't it have been me? I was the friendless, half-human wretch! James was brilliant, successful, and well loved everywhere he set foot. I knew it, and was not ashamed to admit it. But up until now, James and Sirius had always been there to tell me that it wasn't true, and that I was just as amazing as everyone else.  
  


And I've gone underground  


  
Haltingly, I bent down and felt the ground for something I could pick up-keep, cherish. My fingers closed around something fuzzy, and I lifted a brown stuffed rabbit. I remembered this rabbit. Lily and James had given it to baby Harry for his first birthday, only exactly three months ago. It had been christened 'Hop'. But in the funny way little Harry talked, he had always pronounced it 'hope'.  
  


Obsessions I have found  


  
As my eyes were raised, they rested above the signs of destruction, and I noticed something (or rather the lack of something). The Dark Lord's all too well known mark of death, the Dark Mark, was missing from the sky. What this meant I couldn't fathom, and wouldn't allow myself to hope.  
  
Holding Hop to my heart for comfort, I turned my eyes to the sky. There was no moon that night. Only the stars, looking down on me, some smiling, some mocking me. I liked to think James and his family were up there among them, laughing at me for being so sentimental, because everything was going to turn out okay.  
  


Couldn't make it back again  


  
That cursed moon. As a young child, I'd hated the very mention of the glowing orb, because it reminded me of the reason I was avoided by all the children at school. But then, when James, Sirius, and Peter became animagi just for me, and were able to spend those full moons with me, they'd become the best times of my life. My every bone ached for those times again.  
  


Why can't the moon stay full forever  
Wednesday's bad but Friday's ain't much better  
Why can't the moon stay full forever  
Right now, she's got nothing on her mind  


  
I stood there, oblivious to anything and everything around me, until the new day, marking the start of a new, depressing life for me dawned. I wasn't conscious of the whispers of the crowd. I wasn't conscious of the Ministry officials coming in and out of the wreckage. I wasn't conscious of the monumental event that had so recently occurred. I wasn't conscious that You-Know-Who was gone at last. I wasn't conscious that small Harry Potter had defeated him. Perhaps if I had been, I might have been happier.   
  
But no, I was only conscious of my memory of the moon, and my newly rediscovered hatred of it. I knew I'd hate it forever now. Forever, like we had been. Full forever.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
